I have a better idea. Tell your boobs to stop staring at my eyes, it's very distracting.

You haven't lived until you've been violently pushed into a stranger's hands through a narrow opening in your mother.

Ladies, it's simple:

Men.
Don't.
Read.
Minds.

I want my tombstone to say "Don't just stand there, water my flowers."

When I watch Jeopardy, I yell out the answers I know to impress the empty pieces of furniture around me.

It's nice that my vacuum has a headlight just in case I want to clean in the dark or wake my dog up thinking he's getting hit by a train.

I hope I never meet the girl of my dreams, she's seen me in a lot of awkward situations.

I don't get the willies anymore, I'm much too mature; Now I get the williams.

Walking through an office building with a box of donuts is like walking through a high security prison in lingerie.

I'm pretty sure this skinny chick I work with is just googling pictures of food for lunch.

Woah! I almost forgot that it's Drive Like A Total Ass Day!

...good thing I'm behind a bunch of people that remembered.

Just bought a lot of computer parts because eating a gallon of ice cream and crying all night isn't how nerds deal with depression.

I'm like a ninja when it comes to killing spiders.

Ninjas jump around screaming and hitting themselves until the kill is confirmed, right?

Calling somebody "honey" is just a clever way of saying you wish they'd get eaten by bears.

NOT NOW HOMEWORK! I'm busy trying to make the Internet like me.

When I'm from, people are a lot nicer to time travelers.

Lunch consumed in a cubicle never needs salt because the tears take care of that.

I've never met a fine line that I didn't want to flirt with.

Mustaches are like a "Sorry, We're Closed" sign for your sex life.

Rejecting a friend request on Facebook, I said to myself "Who is this creepy guy?!"

Who just befriends hundreds of random Internet people?