Snooki's baby daddy has already suggested a Jersey Shore name for their unborn child, "The Abortion."

If you fart while peeing on someone, it's called a golden thunderstorm.

For the cost of a cup of coffee, you can save one child. Or for the cost of this commercial, we could've saved 5,000 children.

Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.

I really don't think that I have attention deficit disorder me a pizza please?

is it racial profiling when a waiter in a chinese restaurant gives me a fork?

Last night at karaoke, a chick with a stutter sang 'Poker Face' for 45 minutes.

Every time you do that fake jerking off hand motion, a ghost slips his cock in there for a second.

We have 20 minutes of rare unedited @PanicAtTheDisco pre-show recordings. If you enjoy their music, you'll love this http://t.co/ELRhk3vV

Fat guys, I'm going to open a fast food restaurant and name it "The Gym". You're welcome.

Watch @PanicAtTheDisco's @BrendonBoydUrie @TheSpencerSmith & @DallonWeekes perform live from my apartment 1/14 @ 2PST http://t.co/QfJRSRga

Screenwriters, you know that script you're working on that's a mix between 2 brilliant films? Well it isn't and I'd like a grande soy latte.

i'm starting to believe it's butter.

i just recently changed fonts. my old font was understandably upset and told me to go to helvetica.

Kids, under no circumstances are you to talk to strangers!!! Now sit on this creepy old man's lap and tell him if you've been naughty.

It's normal when one of your balls hangs a little lower than the other two, right?

If there's 2 things I know for sure, it's
1) If you RT me right now I will follow you, and 2) I'm a compulsive liar.

Black people love them some boomboxes!!! I'm not racist, that's just their stereo type.

This slutty girl in my cooking class just Le Cordon Bleu me in the kitchen.

When God closes a door, he can't open a window because windows can only be opened by things that exist.