If a 7yr old boy asks you to smell something, do not.

I got to 4th base tonight. That's the one where you share a diet coke and hold your farts all night, right?

While comparing our ice-cream cones my son remarked that my was longer and thicker.



I didn't know that I had that kind of restraint.

Happy Father's Day you motherfuckers.

I am so excited about that extra hour of unemployment tonight!!

I like my coffee like I like my women, free and in the break room at work.

Ann Coulter is the worst tranny ever.

Brownback didn't like what 18 yr old high schooler @emmakate988 tweeted about him so he tattled. http://t.co/SUS4n16b #heblowsalot

I knew that wouldn't flush when I ate it.

Kanye West doesn't care about black people.


If he did he wouldn't act so goddamn ignant.

My 7 y.o. just lost a tooth. I hope I still fit into my fairy costume.

The thing about minimalism is

If they put Reagan on money I'll start doing blow again.

7 yr old stages of grief: Crying, Tom & Jerry, Fried Ice-Cream, "Can I have a snake?"

Sometimes I lag behind the group and *pretend* to tweet on my phone when in actuality I'm farting. You're welcome.

Dearest hipsters, Capri pants are for ladies. Come to think of it, lady's pants are also for ladies. Please adjust accordingly.

I OH a Dr. at lunch say that he doesn't like to sweat during sex.

I bet his wife knows someone that does.

If I have bad dreams about work then I should be allowed to nap when I get here.

I put frankincense in my humidifier. This must be what baby jesus felt like.

That corndog was so huge it was almost obscene, more like a porndog!