I just dropped a french fry on my keyboard and it typed the word,"fatass".

If you love someone set them on fire. If they come back they will have nasty scars and low self-esteem so they will be yours forever.

Guys with spray tans are called Mangerines.

I blame you, Prince, for bringing the Internet to Kanye's attention.

I'm an excellent speller which has pretty much destroyed my chances of being a rapper.

The more you say you don't give a shit, the more we all know you give a shit.

I'm thinking of getting a tattoo on my penis...of a bigger penis.

___________________/\_____________\0/_______'' Help Shark''

My iPhone auto-corrects "percocet" to "perfect" so yeah, it knows.

ME: I got a 100 star tweet, a 50 star tweet, a tweet of the day, approx. 50 new followers and a bunch of #ff's! WIFE: did you cut the grass?

Cocaine: The original Diet Coke.

When you're at the beach, everything you hold up to your ear sounds like the ocean.

Michael J. Fox would totally dominate in a race to develop a Polaroid picture.

Wife: I wanna ask you a serious question and I want a serious answer...why are you so hard on the kids all the time?
Me: You said hard on.

Why does Heidi have a relief fund? It was only plastic sur...oh, Haiti. That makes more sense.

Look dude, if I wanted your opinion, I'd ask your wife.

2 words...I hate math.

I tried to teach my bird long division but apparently, Parrots just don't understand.

where have I been all your life?

This guy blowing me is such a homo.