I don't want to perpetuate a fat girl stereotype, but this blow job could use a side of ranch.

❒Single ❒Taken ✔ cooking MC's like a pound of bacon

Look, if they didn't want me to have a minty fresh clitoris then why in the world did they invent a vibrating toothbrush?

Mom said telling dick jokes would never get me anywhere in life. Well, I'm buying my ramen noodles by the case now. BY THE CASE, MOM!!!

So, I assume "Fuck, Marry, Kill" is the sequel to "Eat, Pray, Love"?

When other people's problems serve only to make you feel superior, you're missing the point of being human. #amywinehouse

Hey, black licorice, stop calling yourself "candy". You are nothing but a chewy fart and we both know it.

Dance like nobody's watching is okay but I'm a parent so what I'd like is to poop like nobody's outside the door telling on somebody else.

Accidentally bought scented tampons. Every time I uncross my legs, it smells like I'm smuggling candles from the dollar store.

Article on CNN.com says that oral sex leads to oral cancer. This is why we can't have nice things.

Mean girls are a dime a dozen. It's girls who can find nice things to say about other girls who stand out like shiny unicorns. Try it.

I hope that when I die they only bury me, like, two feet under. Even as a zombie, I plan on being very lazy.

No date for New Year's Eve but at least that way I'm guaranteed an orgasm.

Next on A&E... War Wars. Famous historical battles fight to see who's the war-iest. The winner gets both recording and modeling contracts.

The fact that you enjoy deviled eggs but refuse to eat my farts makes you a hypocrite.

I'm not usually the kind of girl who confuses orgasms with love, but this silicone replica of a fist and I are registered at Macy's.

My dog wrote a screenplay. It's a powerful story about eating the crotch of my underpants, pooping on the floor, then napping for 23 hours.

Friends say surfer killed by sharks died doing what he loved. Hardcore! I don't know anyone who loves bleeding that much.

Just washed down my birth control pill with french fries, essentially doubling the effect.

The first rule of Fat Club is eat cakes.