timcarvell

@timcarvell

Tim Carvell

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Head writer, The Daily Show with Jon Stewart. Author of the new book Planet Tad: http://amzn.com/0061934364. Friend to animals.
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@timcarvell best tweets
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timcarvell
OK, this is weird. The CEO of Netflix is now just standing under my window, holding up a boom box playing "In Your Eyes".
@timcarvell
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timcarvell
Congrats, "Midnight in Paris", the film that answered the question, "What if your pretentious college boyfriend wrote 'Back to the Future'?"
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timcarvell
I wish Etsy were a physical store, just so I could see people punching each other on Black Friday over crocheted Ramones shirts for birds.
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timcarvell
"OK, everyone. We have one last chance to review the image. Anyone see anything problematic? No? All right, then." http://t.co/Jlbk7JzE
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timcarvell
If anyone has a horribly embarrassing bit of news they'd like to bury, now would be an excellent time to disclose it.
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timcarvell
"Tonight, you will be visited by three spirits. Well, four, counting me. Crap. Can we start over? You wait here -- I'll come in again."
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timcarvell
OK, I'm not sure what button I hit on Facebook's privacy settings, but I just found Mark Zuckerberg in my home going through my photo albums
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timcarvell
I feel like there may be no role in movies more thankless than "boring high school friend of Bella Swan".
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timcarvell
There's just no way that, if the Hunger Games existed, they wouldn't be called the Tostitos Hunger Games.
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timcarvell
Why there is an Internet: Otters Who Look Like Benedict Cumberbatch. http://t.co/TWmUW4tu
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timcarvell
Fun fact: During filming, "The Adjustment Bureau" was called "Untitled Matt Damon/Stupid Hat Project".
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timcarvell
The inventor of the TV remote control has died. He will be buried in the last place you think to look.
@timcarvell
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timcarvell
Tonight seemed like an odd time to reveal that #BreakingBad is actually a pre-witness-relocation-program prequel to "Malcolm in the Middle".
@timcarvell
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timcarvell
"I decided long ago never to walk in anyone's shadow" is either highly inspirational, or a description of a crippling form of OCD.
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timcarvell
Few traditions feel more American than our leader sparing a bird's life in a big ceremony, then quietly having a different bird killed.
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timcarvell
In "Summer Lovin'", when Kenickie asks, "Did she put up a fight?", why doesn't anyone stop singing and go, "Wait: What?"
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timcarvell
Spent the morning playing "Birds Who Are Not Angry, Just Disappointed", passive-aggressively guilting pigs into returning my stolen eggs.
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timcarvell
"One question about your film in which two dozen children murder one another: Do any of them use the F-word? No? Here's your PG-13, then."
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timcarvell
"The Killing" is fine, but I'd rather see a show about the below-the-fold story in their fake newspaper: http://t.co/W8PoBfZ
@timcarvell
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