I stick this pregnancy test under my tongue, right?

Oops. Accidentally wrote "fuck you" under a picture of a girl's engagement ring on facebook.

It would be really cute if accident scars were called wreckles.

When someone disappears from Twitter, I assume they are temporarily happy with their marriage.

That Sarah McLachlan song came on the radio and I thought I ran over a dog.

How do you know I'm doing a nice job, fitness DVD instructor? I'm sitting on my couch throwing cheetos at the TV.

Stop showing me pictures of your babies eating spaghetti. They fucking suck at it.

I'm actually way more attractive than I look.

Isn't "Bullying is for losers" sort of contradictory?

If someone stops tweeting, it probably means they're happy and you should unfollow them.

Stop asking me to smile. You're a part of the problem.

Sometimes I just stand in my shower with a look of defeat on my face. Like someone's hosing me down.

Let's be real. None of us 'wait a moment' when twitter is over capacity. We click that home button so vigorously like we want it to cum.

If I know I've gained weight before a family event, I show cleavage & wear tons of make-up. Then everyone just talks about me being a whore.

How are you going to know what kind of asshole I am if I don't indicate my phone is an iPhone?

Good news: I'm not an alcoholic! Bad news: I haven't made it to step 1.

Sometimes I'm all "oh yeah, I'm bipolar" and sometimes I'm all "I'M THE KING OF THE WORLD!"

"meh, meh, meh" (doing my apathy warm-ups)

"It's totally you, and not me at all." -a confident breaker-upper

Things I accomplished today: 1. Showered 2. I know, right?