ladies, i'd like to remind you that trying to play "hard to get" doesn't work when you're already "hard to want".

Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.

just got another booty call from life, apparently it still wants to keep fucking me.

Ke$ha: weak music choice, strong password choice.

If your relationship is so damn complicated that you have to identify it as such on your Facebook, get the hell off Facebook and go fix it.

my job on fridays: working just enough so the screensaver doesn't come on.

once cops get smart enough to put a sobriety test at the end of a Taco Bell drive-thru WE'RE ALL FUCKED!

I've put more work in to my iTunes library than i have in to any relationship.

Eating Halloween candy and ignoring the doorbell. A little game I like to call fuck you I paid for it.

If your job is to put pepperonis on frozen pizzas, please start giving a fuck.

Signed, Everyone.

Capri Sun®: Teaching kids to find the hole since 1981.

i'd be in great shape if i ran like I did from my problems.

if your job requires you to tell people to have a good day, odds are you're not having one yourself.

The Google™ search results of "how to tie a tie" are the closest thing to a father figure I've ever known.

cargo shorts are a great place to store stuff, like your virginity.

I'd say I spend at least 37% of my work day trying to set off the sprinkler system above my desk with my mind.

i like my women like i like my hangover, gone by the time i get out of bed.

When I get depressed, I get really drunk and clean the whole house. I'm going to make a great housewife someday.

Dad called them his "church socks" because they were holey, but why he had an old tube sock named after our neighbor's wife I'll never know.

there's nothing like after sitting in front of a computer all day at work like coming home and sitting in front of a computer all night.