I moved two weeks ago and I'm still living out of boxes of wine.

Ten beers ago, I thought this Chili's bartender was a total biatch. Now, I'm not sure if I can live without her. This is how love is, people

I don't care what you say, I DID TOO put alot of thought into your gift. I mean, seriously, who doesn't want more Farmville livestock?

If having ADD and Asperger's Syndrome is wrong, then I don't want to be OH MY GOD your children are hideous!

I disagree, sir, that my wearing a sweater with a crocheted bear cub on it makes me "look gay." That said, thank you for the free back rub.

Does this rape whistle make me look emotionally unavailable?

I LOVE when the weather is nice like this! It makes 30 feet I have to walk from my air-conditioned car into the bar that much more pleasant!

I know Family Guy. Family Guy is a friend of mine. And you, annoying co-worker, are no Family Guy SO STOP QUOTING FAMILY GUY ALL GODDAMN DAY

I'm just gonna go ahead and assume thst there will be less fanfare for me when *I* get back to work after being dead for three days.

I have the sweetest deal with my mom. I don't have to buy her a Mother's Day gift and she gets to keep pretending I was a miscarriage.

Totally need to buy a new bicycle seat tomorrow. Contrary to popular belief, my ass is not built to take this kind of punishment.

PROTIP: Wearing a hockey mask to your first therapist appointment will earn you priority scheduling for your second therapist appointment.

All the hours I spent in college deconstructing Hemingway totally prepared me for today, when I set my kneecap on fire with a welding torch

I can't even wish my therapist Happy Mother's Day without her saying "Oh Jesus, not this shit again."

If it can't be fixed by taking nine Dayquils, you should probably just cut it off.

Went for a walk through the wintry woods and added new items to my "List of Things That Suck": The woods, snow, walking, winter, outdoors.

Oh, because YOUR cat stories are so much better than MY cat stories. Pfft.

Apparently my back pocket RTed something earlier, making my ass far more productive than the rest of my body today.

Can't believe I have to go get a new mattress topper today. Maybe if I just stopped calling them "mattress topper," they'd quit divorcing me

I just ate pancakes in my car in the parking lot of a Denny's, which is all you need to know about the state of my personal life right now.