When does a scrunchy, falling to the floor, become a tarantula? When you've got eye drops in your eyes.

I am SO tired of my gram telling me when SHE used to twitter, it was uphill, both ways, with a 'typewriter'...people just can't let shit go.

I heard that breathing can give you cancer.

Damnit! Do these salsa stains on my white cotton nightgown make me look like a virgin?

Must unfollow dumbfucks.

The fact that I had an apple & water for breakfast, pales in comparison to the fact that I waited 10 (ten) minutes before going on Twitter.

I'd rather scratch my own ass than have to kiss someone else's.

All it takes is one star to satisfy me.

The question I'm asked most while tutoring is: "Don't you think I should be allowed to go to that party Friday night?"

My kids are talking behind my back; "Is she on Twitter? I knew it! That's why she's ignoring us."

OH: The economy is so bad in Vegas that even with these DDs I couldn't get hired as a stripper.

Eat, drink and be scary. Think that will work for today too. Hmm...

Ever wrap a string of lights around and around something only to find out that you have to start all over so that you can plug it in?

The glow from my computer is so heart-warming.

When I went to the doctor for the physical; instead of giving the ok to drive a taxi, he gave me a referral to a mental health counselor.

There was a Star Wars marathon today, so of course the boy couldn't go to school.

I broke down and applied to a local taxi company and got hired. (I thought it would be a great way to tweet at work!)

The shorter the school uniform the more they sit on the ground.

A man several seats away from me let one rip during a Zumanity performance last night. It wasn't just the soundl it was the feel!

OH: I can't believe I got a 'C' on that paper. I PROVED that God exists!