I'm starting to think that life isn't worth living anymore and...

Oh wait, there's the bartender now. Nevermind, everything's cool.

She said "but I'm on my period". I said "well you're not bleeding from your mouth".
Now I am.

You and me babe ain't nothing but mammals so let's sit on the couch, fuck with our phones and ignore each other.

I love rock and roll so put another dime in th A DOLLAR TWENTY FIVE ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

It's a little hard to see because of all the pepper spray, but I think this chick is really into me.

Bitch, I own concert tee shirts older than you. OF COURSE I want your number.

Finish your beer. There are sober kids in China.

I'll take "my girlfriend" for 1000 please, Alec.

Nintendo game cartridge in 1996.

What is "the last time she blew anything?"

Hangovers are for people foolish enough to stop drinking.

The best part of being kissed under the mistletoe is this new belt buckle I just made out of mistletoe.

I was going to start a Twitter page called shitmygirlfriendsays but then I realized I would have to start paying attention when she talks.

Kinda want to break up with my girlfriend just so I can start calling her my ex-box.

I prefer women that have wisdom and experience. Just as long as they only have 18 years of it.

I don't know exactly who's health I'm drinking to, but they're going to be fucking immortal at this rate.

Sometimes you're the bug, sometimes you're the windshield and sometimes you're the drunk guy sending inappropriate texts at 2am.

I can't promise that sleeping with me will make your dad finally love you, I'm just saying it's worth a shot.

She says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true I would have found "mute" by now.

Phone was on the charger but I swear I felt a vibration in my pocket and long story short yes, I just tried to answer a pack of cigarettes.

Know what I miss most about being single? Having the will to live.

The best part of my girlfriend making me stop drinking for a month is how much more clearly I'm able to think up reasons to break up w/ her.