Slow and steady misses the deadline.

Just realized I haven't checked Facebook all week. Shoot, I bet at least 47 people I didn't know in high school have had babies by now.

Generally, when someone says, "So what you're saying is--" what follows is not what you were saying.

If it weren't for the 24-hour window between when I get paid and when I go online to pay all my bills, I'd never have any money at all.

Describing Craig's List to a new user? "A perfectly lovely flea market attached to the world's scariest crack house. STAY ON THE PATH!"

I don't know what my cat just threw up. But I do know that it has eyeballs.

I'll just be over here crying.

2AM. Dog (outside barking) scratches at door to come in, I open door, she runs away. Twice. HOPE THEY LIKE YOUR JOKES IN THE POUND, CANINE

So angry I almost threw my phone against the wall. Instead, I'm holding onto my rage until next month when I'm eligible for an upgrade.

Today I'll protest Columbus Day by refusing to recognize it as a holiday. And the other reason I'm going to work is because I have to.

Twitter: "Are you sure you want to block ptqrqxbyk74?"
Me: I know it seems cruel, but don't worry. I've thought about this for a long time.

Buffalo avenges humiliating loss by summoning huge northeastern blizzard, stranding #Patriots in Rochester overnight. http://rocne.ws/eve

So according to Twitter, Barack Obama won a Nobel and NASA is planning to blow up the moon. Ha ha very funny, you guys.

Look, Denny's. If I'm going to take as many medications as a 90-year-old, then I'm sure as hell allowed to order off the senior menu.

Sometimes I look at the Trending Topics and think "Man, we're just a bunch of nerds."

But most of the time I can tell without looking.

Nothing says failure like dusting your treadmill.

You don't hear the word "scruples" much these days. Let's bring that back. It's fun to say.

In the Adirondacks, you can't always tell if it's a yard sale, or just someone's yard.

Free dog. Best for people w/night terrors or babies, as she'll wake you up at 2-hr intervals all night. Act now and I'll throw in a free cat

Is favstar still broken? Because it seems to be working fine for me: one star per tweet. That's how it works, right?

Attention people: I love you dearly but I'm never going to join your Twitter mafia or whatever that crap is.