Something I noticed on twitter is some folks love photos of themselves.

Roll Up The Rim is over at the Tim's I go to. There is nothing left to hope for. May as well stay in bed.

I have major depression lol.

"Oh, it's the coolest. You get updates from the NY Times sandwiched between filthy dick jokes." - Person explaining Twitter

Gf is yelling "COME TO BED!" and the Internet is all "LMAO THAT HOE?!"

Feeling distracted. Accidentally sewed the dress I was wearing into the trousers I was mending. Ooops.

just got 'brush up your shakespeare' stuck in my head so brb gotta put on my tap shoes then poke my brain with a straw.

I'd use the force for good, like to bring cookies to me so I don't have to get up good.

The only thing fiercer than Beyonce is this wind right now

I can't wait for technology to get so advanced that when I roll my eyes at it, it feels bad.

Whenever anyone favorites or retweets me it assures me that it's really okay to go days between shaving

"There's more to life than profit." "Like what?" "You know, like, slurpees and stuff."

I'm watching Mitt Romney on Leno. What is happening? Am I like Teen Wolf, but instead of turning into a werewolf I turn into your grandpa?

He leaves for a 5 day business trip. I think of the days ahead without him, reach for the tv remote and gleefully whisper "precioussss."

The new Volvo has 'anti-collision technology' - yeah we call them brakes yo

"I joined Twitter to find out what you're eating, not what you're watching on television."

Kids are mad I won the watermelon-seed spitting contest again. They're all "I didn't know we were playing" and "We don't have any melon."

Twitter needs a vaudeville hook.

Emo Pony is emo. http://t.co/ApBETAye

There must be 50 ways to leave your lover, but like 1000 ways to weave your yoga class into conversation.