Sometimes I wish there was a zombie apocalypse just so I can hit my neighbors in the face with a shovel.

I'm glad unicorns don't exist. Can you imagine the porn that would come out of Japan?

My friend just filed for divorce because he met a girl off of Farmville. If I were his wife, I'd rather him tell me he was gay.

Just ate a meal using a knife and a cake spatula because FUCK YOU, DISHES, YOU DON'T OWN ME!

I think strippers secretly want to be firemen.

Confirming that I am over 18 on porn sites is the closest I'm ever going to get to feeling young again.

My New Year's resolutions are to gain 10 pounds, stop exercising, spend less time with family, and drink even more. Should be easy.

You know it was a good night when the wet spot takes up the entire bed.

They should just replace the noise that car alarms make with the sounds of toddlers having a meltdown. Nobody can ignore that shit.

Sometimes I'll see my cat rip a bird out of the air mid-flight. I can't believe I let that crazy bitch sleep near my face.

Some of you tweet so much that I can actually diagnose your mental conditions.

All I've learned from watching Japanese porn is that getting fucked by a blurred out dick must be really painful.

Is it even possible for a person to play the guitar without looking like they are masturbating?

Nothing makes me happier than when I see an anti-marriage tweet RT'd by both halves of a married couple.

Whenever I see a person with massively stretched earlobes, I just assume a dick has been in there at some point.

I hate it when I prematurely hit the enter key on a tweet. Now I know what it feels like to be a dude.

Employees sure do act awkward after you yell, "Stop it! You're making my ass hurt," while in a changing room with your spouse.

It's so rare for me to say, "I'm not clicking on that link," but something entitled Nympho Eats A Cum Omelet makes me think twice.

My spouse just said I'm such a cheap date that he knew he'd actually save money by marrying me. I'm apparently the Geico of women.

Actual conversation: Him: You expect me to kiss you with a mouth full of food? Me: Unghuh.