How to be your own man: 1. Stick by your beliefs 2. Don't follow the crowd 3. Do what you want 4. Get permission from wife

I don't have a blog. I can easily say stupid shit and make an ass of myself in 140 char.--look, I even have some left.

Ancient Rome was all about sex, perversion, drunkenness , gluttony and beastiality. Basically it was Twitter's historical precursor.

If someone tells you that drugs and alcohol are not the answer, tell them that they don't know your question.

Just got back from Avatar in 3D. Imagine if you could see in 3D all the time. It would be awesome.

Wife is afraid that feds can track her on GPS and cell phone. I told her that unless CIA wants a good pot roast recipe she is should be safe

People say that laughter can cure anything. I don't think it will help erectile dysfunction.

The only way that raising children could be any harder is if they decided to unionize.

At night I hear the voice of pie and sometimes ice cream calling to me from the fridge. Broccoli is strangely silent.

I read that a wild boar has an 18 inch corkscrew shaped penis. Suddenly opposable thumbs don't seem to be such a big deal.

A follower asked for a few tips on being funny. The main thing is to be yourself, unless you are not funny; in that case, be somebody else.

My wife just shot me a "Technically you are correct but proceed down this path at your peril" Look. How does she do that?

Trying to decide which of God's amazing creations from the animal kingdom I am going to eat tonight.

This whole Tiger Woods incident is the very reason I did not marry a Swede super model.

Dropped my donut in the car between the seats and couldn't get it out. Damn OnStar was absolutely no help at all.

Twitter profile suggests that u use your real name so others can find you. Have you read the shit that people write here? Are they serious?

Why do people say "the barn door is open" when your fly is down? I prefer hey dude "The python exhibit is unguarded."

Wife asked difference between Twitter and a blog. Told her Twitter is to Blog as burping is to vomiting.

How do you get that job at the post office where you roam around behind the one person working the huge line?

To:lady in the buffet line who doubled back. Once you pass an area it is dead to you. Do not break my buffet momentum or it will get ugly.